Numb
by hweasley21
Summary: Edited: sorry put the wrong version up here.Draco finds away to cope with the pain. Sort of Dark Oneshot dracoxhermione. will have to follow up pieces. warning:Drug usage


Draco Malfoy tipped his head back taking a moment to savor the sweet taste of the drip, and the powerful sensation created by the burn. He sniffed deeply until he got every last bit of it before tapping Blaise on the shoulder. 

"Go." He told his friend. Blaise snatched the straw from Draco's hand and leaned over the full length mirror and he took the line in one hit.

"Damn," Zambini mumbled when he was done.

Draco smirked at the dazed expression on his best friend's face.

"How you feel?" Draco asked, lighting a cigarette, sitting back in his favorite chair letting the euphric feeling wash over him.

"I feel good," Blaise replied. "And you?"

Draco waited a moment before answering. He took a long drag and gathered his thoughts. When he closed his eyes all he could see was her. Her once bushy brown hair that after six years she managed to tame into soft, golden brown ringlets that framed her thin beautiful, perfectly constructed face. Her deep brown eyes, the kind you willingly got lost in. Those eyes haunted him as he slept every night and her voice; a choir of angels plagued him even in his silent moments.

Draco never intended for it to be more than sex. When they started their little tirad, they agreed there would be no emotion just physical comfort.

Then one night Draco opened his eyes and looked at the beautiful woman in his bed. It was that moment that it finally hit him. Draco Malfoy, heir to the Malfoy family fortune and prestige, Prince of the Slytherins, had fallen deeply, passionately, and completely in love with Hermione Granger, Muggle born, andknow it all Gryffindor Princess.

It took him a few weeks to tell her. She smiled, tears welling up in those dangerously, beautiful, and angelic eyes as she ran a hand through his perfect blonde hair.

"I love you too" Hermione admitted her voice dropping to a whisper. 

"But..?" Draco prompted tracing hearts on her chest with his fingers.

"But the war is starting." Hermione told him. "When it gets here I will stand between Harry and Ron, across from you and your parents, as I fight to defeat the master your family serves. How can I be your girlfriend when one day I might have to kill you?"

Draco pulled away and sneered at her.

"How can you share my bed more than three times a week, knowing who I am? Who my family is?" Draco snapped. "How canyou look the Boy-who-lived-to-give-me-a-migraine,and his oh-so-lovable-but-ultimately-useless-sidekick, the Weasel, in the eye, when you can still taste me in your mouth and hear your screams echoing in your head?"

Hermione opened her mouth and closed it again, pausing before speaking. Draco was terrified that this time he had gone too far.

"When I am here," Hermione started her voice devoid of emotion. "I separate you from the things you have done, the people you have hurt and the life you plan to live. Draco, when I make love to you, I live in this moment and that's all. When I put my clothes back on and go back to business as usual, I pretend this never happened. Can't you?" 

"No" Draco told her. "That's not enough anymore. The truth is that I may have done horrible things, but the damage I have caused isn't irrevocable. I can change, I can turn around. Don't you believe in me?"

Hermione smiled somewhat condescendingly and ran her hand down his arm letting it stop just above the dark mark.

"It seems like only yesterday you made your choice," she spat. "The choice to aide in the movement to destroy me and the people like me. You branded yourself, love, and that can never change!"

"I made that decision before I ever knew you like this." Draco argued

"But this mark, speaks louder than any words you could ever say to me. It whispers in my ear your secret." She explained.

"What secret?" Draco asked completely exasperated.

"That you, my love, will one day betray me" she whispered, her voice filled with emotion and tears.

Draco sighed in defeat; he pulled her closer for a moment gently kissing her on the forehead.

"Then I know what I must do." Draco announced

"What?" Hermione asked nuzzling his neck.

"When I put my clothes back and go back to business as usual I will pretend this never happened, all of it. And in some ways that will be the truth because it will never happen again." Draco replied

He could feel Hermione's body stiffen against him. She pulled away , her eyes boring into his soul. The sob she had been holding back since he confessed his love finally came out and the tears poured freely down her cheeks. Draco wanted to wipe them away and hold her until the sadness was gone, but he restrained himself.

"I-I Don't understand," she stuttered.

"After tonight my angel," Draco said. "I will never see you like this again. We are over"

"Why?" She sobbed harder.

"Because you can't just love part of me," Draco told her. "You have to love all of me; the good with the bad. That is how I love you. If I deserve anything, I deserve that"

Hermione looked as though she wanted to say something but she remained silent. Slowly she disentangled her body from his and climbed out of the bed. Draco lit a cigarette as she dressed, trying to ignore the unsteady breathing and the hiccups from too much crying. Hermione paused at the door and stared at him. The stare seemed be imploring him to undo this, to take back what he said. What she didn't know was that he wanted to, more than she knew. But all Draco did was simply nod. Hermione glared and he responded with a sneer. Just like that they were back to where they started, enemies. It was like they never crossed the line to becoming lovers. 

The door slammed and Draco cringed because in the wake he could hear what that slams said. It was finality. She was never coming back.

"Goodbye love," Draco whispered, putting out the cigarette and turning over to get some much earned rest.

As graduation neared Draco focused on school and prepared for the war. The damage was done and the consequences were painful. In time he, damn near, succeeded in pushing her out of his mind. Then one beautiful morning in the great hall brought all of that back.

Most of the school joined in the celebration of Ron and Hermione's engagement. He knew she was watching him as he stormed out of the Great Hall. She tried to smile at Draco when he passed her but he stared right through her.

Alone in his dormitory he allowed himself to grieve and cry a little bit. He knew Blaise and Pansy were waiting for him downstairs but he felt like being alone at that moment more than ever in his life. She had been his chance to change and now that chance was gone.

Draco stood up and brushed the tears away, forcing himself to not feel this pain. Zabini was calling him, so he walked downstairs to celebrate graduation with his friends. Two bottles of fire whiskey, a carton of cigarettes and an eight ball later Draco found himself here.

"Draco are you okay?" Blaise asked looking concerned.

Pansy handed the straw back to Draco. He leaned over the mirror and snorted up the white powder feeling empowered by the rush as he bent his head back.

"Draco?" Blaise repeated. "How are you feeling?"

Draco was looking at a future that included fighting in war on the wrong side, inheriting the family fortune and marrying some dumb, but pretty girl. A future filled with murder, guilt and loneliness.

"I feel numb" Draco finally responded honestly. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

They say it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. Draco told himself that was all bullshit. If he could hold onto this numb feeling for the rest of his life, he would be satisfied. He may never laugh again, but he'll never cry either.


End file.
